a good day for hospitalization by mollyburton, literature
Literature
a good day for hospitalization
the day I killed myself they asked my why.
why today was different
and I stared blankly
over black stained lips
and said,
"today was no different at all"
half a heartbeat or two
"oh wait,
I won at mahjongg"
When our claws were tangled and twisted
like brambles and shambles
the whole world felt safe.
Wide eyed and innocent, I felt like I was re-discovering a town;
a place that used to be as familiar as my own body.
This time, there was a little bit of you caught in my eye
and it changed everything.
The winter is hard for me.
It is always with great regret I watch my summer freckles fade
(they taste like sunshine, you know)
The cold settles around me like a cocoon of snow;
a blanket to soften and dampen to edges of me.
I am never myself when my breath clouds;
I am a muted, half version of me, shrinking
like hot water pipes when the heat’s been off for weeks.
Cold and prone to lonely creaking;
a haunting, a ghost of me.
I have handfuls of empty minutes and hours wasted sifting through the wreckage of my feelings, trying to find the smallest of ways to stop this collapse. All of my lost time laying before me like an expanse of moments I can never refund, and will never be worth the price I've already paid in full. I spent so long scrabbling to find a seam in my flawlessly defended heart, only to unravel my protection and find myself naked and shivering from the exposure. I am up to my lungs in feelings I never suspected were hiding in the depths of my former numbness; with every inhale oceans of cold truth rush down my throat, leaving raw and salted realisati
i don't want to remember us. by mollyburton, literature
Literature
i don't want to remember us.
We were sitting in a field at an elementary school near my house. It had this huge field, and it was perfect in the dark. The dense, dark grass sucked up the sound of our voices and held our bodies off the earth. We felt like we were floating, and there was nothing holding us down but the weight of the sky.
"We were laughing at the stars while our feet clung tight to the ground." You whispered lyrics in my ear, your breath was soft on my cheek and smelled of the watermelon gum that we all chewed religiously. I never tore my eyes from the stars, but lying on your side, I knew you could see my smile. It was the kind of smile that tells a secre
Something that needs nothing. by mollyburton, literature
Literature
Something that needs nothing.
"I was waiting for so long," she said,
with lungs filled up with smoke, "I thought you would forget."
Shaking head, shaking head.
"I could never," he said,
with eyes filled up with hope, "the place in my heart for you is too big."
Shaking head, shaking head.
"Let's live like we were meant for this." she said.
"We'll live like this was meant for us." he said.
Shaking head, shaking head.
Holding hands, holding hearts?
"These things don't really happen," she said,
with a shaking head, shaking head.
because the water is cold, and
hearts and hands were made to empty.
Un-Beauty for an Un-Lover by mollyburton, literature
Literature
Un-Beauty for an Un-Lover
Honestly? I hate hearing the words ' I'm Sorry ' when they sound hollow. Appologies should hurt. The regret and guilt should rip out of your throat and land bleeding on the lap of whoever you have hurt. No matter how badly you want to feel sincere, if it doesn't ache, you don't mean it. I have done things that I don't talk about, things that I hate knowing about myself and I don't want other to know about me. I wont appologize for them because as much as I wish they never happened, they are a part of who I have become.
I would let you tell me this: (if you truly meant it)
You are my secret keeper. You are my family. We have ridden the rolle
a good day for hospitalization by mollyburton, literature
Literature
a good day for hospitalization
the day I killed myself they asked my why.
why today was different
and I stared blankly
over black stained lips
and said,
"today was no different at all"
half a heartbeat or two
"oh wait,
I won at mahjongg"
When our claws were tangled and twisted
like brambles and shambles
the whole world felt safe.
Wide eyed and innocent, I felt like I was re-discovering a town;
a place that used to be as familiar as my own body.
This time, there was a little bit of you caught in my eye
and it changed everything.
The winter is hard for me.
It is always with great regret I watch my summer freckles fade
(they taste like sunshine, you know)
The cold settles around me like a cocoon of snow;
a blanket to soften and dampen to edges of me.
I am never myself when my breath clouds;
I am a muted, half version of me, shrinking
like hot water pipes when the heat’s been off for weeks.
Cold and prone to lonely creaking;
a haunting, a ghost of me.
I have handfuls of empty minutes and hours wasted sifting through the wreckage of my feelings, trying to find the smallest of ways to stop this collapse. All of my lost time laying before me like an expanse of moments I can never refund, and will never be worth the price I've already paid in full. I spent so long scrabbling to find a seam in my flawlessly defended heart, only to unravel my protection and find myself naked and shivering from the exposure. I am up to my lungs in feelings I never suspected were hiding in the depths of my former numbness; with every inhale oceans of cold truth rush down my throat, leaving raw and salted realisati
i don't want to remember us. by mollyburton, literature
Literature
i don't want to remember us.
We were sitting in a field at an elementary school near my house. It had this huge field, and it was perfect in the dark. The dense, dark grass sucked up the sound of our voices and held our bodies off the earth. We felt like we were floating, and there was nothing holding us down but the weight of the sky.
"We were laughing at the stars while our feet clung tight to the ground." You whispered lyrics in my ear, your breath was soft on my cheek and smelled of the watermelon gum that we all chewed religiously. I never tore my eyes from the stars, but lying on your side, I knew you could see my smile. It was the kind of smile that tells a secre
Something that needs nothing. by mollyburton, literature
Literature
Something that needs nothing.
"I was waiting for so long," she said,
with lungs filled up with smoke, "I thought you would forget."
Shaking head, shaking head.
"I could never," he said,
with eyes filled up with hope, "the place in my heart for you is too big."
Shaking head, shaking head.
"Let's live like we were meant for this." she said.
"We'll live like this was meant for us." he said.
Shaking head, shaking head.
Holding hands, holding hearts?
"These things don't really happen," she said,
with a shaking head, shaking head.
because the water is cold, and
hearts and hands were made to empty.
Un-Beauty for an Un-Lover by mollyburton, literature
Literature
Un-Beauty for an Un-Lover
Honestly? I hate hearing the words ' I'm Sorry ' when they sound hollow. Appologies should hurt. The regret and guilt should rip out of your throat and land bleeding on the lap of whoever you have hurt. No matter how badly you want to feel sincere, if it doesn't ache, you don't mean it. I have done things that I don't talk about, things that I hate knowing about myself and I don't want other to know about me. I wont appologize for them because as much as I wish they never happened, they are a part of who I have become.
I would let you tell me this: (if you truly meant it)
You are my secret keeper. You are my family. We have ridden the rolle
Stars.
I wish I could see them,
but my eyes are closed
and your arm is tossed halfhazardly
across my chest.
You're dreaming, something sweet and
maybe
maybe just a little bit hard...
like when I bite just
right,
just there,
and you sigh my name.
It's not so bad here in the dark,
in the warm tangle of sheets and breath
and dreams, and flesh.
The stars?
They'll be there tomorrow night.
I'll be
right
here.
Those who don't see the sky by twin-dragon, literature
Literature
Those who don't see the sky
Once, when I was very young, my mother told me that when some people grow up, they stop seeing the sky. I found that idea terrifying then, and I still do. Now that I'm older, I see many levels of possible meaning behind that statement. She said that it meant that people would work and never look up. I suppose that it could also mean that people lose sight of their dreams in the midst of daily life. People lose their sense of adventure and stop reaching for the stars as daily life pounds them into routines with no time for them to lay back and daydream.
I see them every day, the people that can't see the stars. I see them as they go along w
And she's unfurled string
In the closet room,
A red dress against
A black-and-white world.
She's crying butter tears
As she tries to be sugar-free
And extra light,
Feather lips and feather fingers.
She bubble wraps her ribs
To insulate her heart,
Trying to keep something in
As she forces everything else out.
She's got a bucket full of words on her bedside,
Vomiting poetry at the dead of night,
Throwing up angry words and monsters,
Clawing their way up her throat.
And she's spilt acid
On the bathroom floor,
Fingers in her mouth and nails against her neck
She can't stop retching secrets.
It is never going to end. I thought that the second the amount of flesh and fat I was no longer carrying with me hit the triple digits my life would change. I would be able to breathe in the clean, clean air and feel it filter through my body, pure and light and refreshing.
Somehow I still feel as though I am moving too much air. I find myself having to navigate around my body because it is constantly in my way. If It could just be a little smaller here, and a little smaller there then I would slice through the world and not make any wakes or disturbances.
How could I have been so blind? There was no light at the end of the tunnel. I was no
Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.
(-95)
Five more pounds until the universe comes together for me, and I can see all the beauty in the world.
Five more pounds until I will be too small for the bad and weak and hopelessness to sink it's claws in anymore.
Five more pounds until I am small enough to fit into your life and into your heart without taking up too much space or causing too much of a stir.
It's a battle for the triple digits, and I'm stuck in the twos.
I will hate myself less when I have lost over a hundred pounds. Once I've lost three digits of weight, it will be easier for people to fit me into their lives.
17 more pounds til... something.
17 more pounds til nothing.
17 more pounds til maybe it will feel okay to like myself again.
27 pounds til I am half my previous weight.